such a long time and such a long way...

so my last post was about a very long veryunhappy week...i would unfortunately like to report that that week turned into a very long and unhappy month...but on the plus side of that after that month some important things were said and sincethen things have been truely amazing.

i had dealt with a lot in that month and it gave me a lot of perspective which made the conversation with Adam at that time "easy". but that conversation with him apparently made him realize for once that I was truely serious because since then has he ever been amaizng!!!!! it did take me time to trust it all again and be truely safe and happy with it all again but I am there and then some today. he has been amaznig, he comes over a lot nw, he has done things with my family at least monthly since then(its not intentionally monthly it has just worked out that way). him and I have been seriously spectaculr. and these last few weeks some serious talks of thefuture have happened.
also since that aweful week I graduated with my bachelors degree in early childhood education from Ashford university. that was a nice accomplishment whether i currently find it vluable or not.
I also have gone from the newbie at work to the seniority at work. i have also gone from wondering if this is what i should be doing to knowing i should be doing it but also sure that this is not the place for me to succeed and excel. but for now it seems to be where i need to stay. I have also found 2 mentors and friends at work which has been truely spectacular on so many levels for my life.
I have also gone from a psycho dog from miles away to a dog that can nicely walk just across the street from dogs who are barking and growling at her. we also go to the beach EVERY time we are in orange county and she absolutely loves it and even plays with the other dogs. so my puppy is making great srides and just recently was great at a "big" party in my parents backyard complete wih her, food, a new born, other kids, lots of people, and a bounce house. so she has been wonderful.
also, since that month I made the decison to play soccer again. i joined 2 coworkers and played in an adult female league for a season. while it was nice to touch the ball again and nice to get back in a smigen better shape, i still had a lot of time in my head about the game, i did not like the atmosphere of the team( people not showing up, no one cared, not many good people, nosportsmanship etc). so i did not play another season and im not sure i will go back,but it was a nice experience for me to know i can do it again.
so over the last almost year things have changed, things have been hard, things have been wonderful and i have done so much thinking about my life and the people and things in it that it has been a lot. but i think all the hardships are somewhere close to coming to an end.

its good to be loved

lately I have been getting a lot of special treatment....
cable...for free
a ride home after dropping my car off
an afternoon full of manual labor relocating rocks
and a yummy and very special dinner

Guess who made me chicken and BLUE potatoes?

yes they really were blue, they looked to me liek homemade playdough but they were mighty tasty.

and here are how the rocks got moved....well maybe only one load was moved this way but i love the guys who did the rock moving because all on their own they brought the toy dump trucks outside and put them in place "moving" the rocks.

life...work...life

things have been so incredibly amazing lately...
there has been so much going on, soem good some bad some just stuff.

I finally started the job of my dreams and while there have been bad days, long days, hard days, and amazingly great days...it is AMAZING. there have been bites, bumps on heads, tears, talking back for sure. but there has also been an incredibly happy to see my kid every day after nap, a hug from half my class at least every morning i get to work, me being the special person in one kids life ( he and I have something and it makes everyone pretty happy), learning new things to do with kids, planning a whole day by myself with kids and it going amazing, watching them progress even in just a month, and taking some cute pictures of some of the fun we have had it has simply been incredible.
then there has been some time with family. holidays, gifts, gatherings where everyone actually showed up. finding out a younger cousin was pregnant, a grandma fracturing her foot, a grandpa in and out of the hospital with a stroke and many other issues, a brother who is simply put him and yet making some little progress in growing up, some time with an older cousin doing long awaited plans, time catching up drinking beer and somehow not playing pool. it has been good, learning about family and keeping up with the ones im closest to.
then there's friends. they kinda go hand in hand with family to me but still there is just something different there that I have a hard time accepting...they all really do want me to be around and enjoy me for me and I have a HARD time realizing that. but we have had fun, meeting new puppies, seeing new rental houses, my first game of beer pong, some texts to make some random plans, going ot rodeos, simply talking to people has just been amazing. things with a special someone have been rocky and yet great at the same time, I still have my issues but this weekend was super special and awesome to me in its own way of simple communication.
I have to say life has been a lot of emotions lately but its been incredible for me to watch it all come together....house, job, friends, family, puppy, goals, dreams,....it has all simply been INCREDIBLE!!
I can't wait to see what is to come.

a hard few weeks...

the last few weeks have been hard.
somehow lost my amazing but boring job in a not very thoughtful way.
got offered a full time preschool position and was excited,
but then got unoffered that job, and changed to an on call person, but then somehow lost that as well and now they won't hire me in the future....I have no clue what led from a full time job offer to them never wanting to hire me again....wish i did.
then my grandpa is in the hospital for a week, and going to a rehab facility, my parents went to nevada because they were told some horrible things about his house, which turned out not to be true.
then my phone broke once, so i got a replacement and now that one is dead a week later....
but really....i got a very fun and relaxing day with my brother...and had a good talk with adam finally and school is getting closer to be over ....
so minus the occasional stress over work which comes and goes...
im good. and i like that it works that way.

self motivation...

i have none of it...
some people will tell you i do.
but I truely have none..
I do what has to be done, and what other people want done..
but when it comes to just doing something because I want to or just because..
there is absolutely no motivation...
I have said for years that i want to get back in shape
I have done nothing.
I was literally drug to the gym a few times, but i wont do anything...
I really do want to get back in shape, i hate not working out.
but unless I have a team to be in shape for, it just doesnt' seem possible.
I keep saying I want to put together all my lesson plans for preschool and have a curriculum ready if the day ever comes that im a teacher, but they have all been sitting there for at least 2 years and im just not motivated to do anything with them....
i only train my dog when i know there is a class that i want her to be the best in.
i really only do what is required or what other people want me to do...
so my question is....
How do I become more self motivated?

ENJOY

so I think i have decided....the word for the year is...

ENJOY

why you ask? well....
there are a lot of goals I would love to accomplish, a lot of things I would love to improve and do and and and...
but really after the last year and just knowing me and how I have been feeling for probably the last 4 months... I have one priority...

Enjoy...
I want to enjoy my new house
I want to enjoy my new puppy
I want to enjoy being closer to the man I want to marry
I want to enjoy being on my own
I want to enjoy being involved with a preschool
I want to enjoy the little everyday things
I want to enjoy school and learn things
I want to enjoy races
I want to enjoy the positive things in life

I spend to much time thinking about the bad, especially lately and a lot this past year....so for this coming year I want to be more positive...it used to be thats just life be happy and move on, but lately its not that way so this year I want to just enjoy life and help others enjoy it as well by helping everyone as often as possible. I want time spent enjoying even the little things, not worrying/stressing/complaining about the bad things.

so for this year.....ENJOY!!!!!

crazy as always....

well there is a lot I want to put on here, like the pictures of me racking up all the leaves that have been burrying my yard for the last month. like me fixing my washing machine all by myself. like the girls weekend we just had that was shockingly pretty fun, like things about my puppy, like things about a great guy that may not be perfect but the fact that i still think we are perfect makes it all right.
but instead for many reasons I will just jot down a few tid bits of life, mainly because i cannoy upload pictures at the moment because i seem to be misplacing a lot of things lately, and memory card readers are on that list.

so last saturday afternoon my mom, cousin, and aunt came out to vist and have what was supposed to be a girls weekend but turned into a girls afternoon/night.....
i was not really looking forward to it because lets face it, i don't really enjoy long periods of family, and they got there and all of them seemed angry about something so i got even less in the mood for the rest of the day....
but it turned out we had a lot of fun, or at least i did. We drove around town seemingly aimlessly a bit, looking for a few things. We got lunch which was yummy, we got Mac's picture taken with santa which went well and gave mac the chance to see other dogs which she desperately needs, we then went and painted for a few hours which I turly enjoyed doing and I think our creations came out very well, we then went and got our traditional starbucks drinks and headed out for christmas lights, we ended up only looking at one street of lights but let me tell you, it was absolutely AMAZING!!! and I was impressed which is very hard to do. Then we went shopping for some random things as well as for some dinner muchie/ appetizers and headed home to eat and watch how the grinch stole christmas at 10 o clock at night. we then ate and cooked and laighed a bit and and had a little surprise birthday thing for my mom and it was a good day. Then next morning we pretty much woke up and got in the car to drive home...but it was a very fun afternoon.
The night before the girls came I was not looking forward to something else that was planned...i should have been but after my night before and his day i just wasn't. I thought we would both be in a bad mood and it would be a super short unfun few hours. However, yet again I was pleasantly surprised.....i picked him up, we laughed together, he bought straps because he needed them and we looked for more lights, because he is slightly obsessed, and then we grabbed dinner. THen was the part I wasn't looking forward to...between rain, mud, me being unsure, him having had a bad day, me not caring and not wanting to put up with anything, it just wasn't set up to go well...but instead it included me being in awe of trees...ive never seen trees that big, it was weird to be so interested in them. then he said he liked a certain kind, i was like okay i don't really care, then he looked at a few but i picked one, we looked some more, but i still liked that one, and then he told the guys and they loaded it on the car and he said I was a good tree picker outter (we are very fancy people). and then we headed home. He was nice and sweet when we unloaded it, hleping me not making comments that that nigth I would have taken very personal. THen we set up the tree put ligths on and hung ornaments....there was great conversation, a lot of laughs, a puppy being amazingly good, and a good night looking at what we had done together for the third time.....it was a great night.

well so much for tid bits of life, but i don't want to forget these memories...the pictures of lights, raking leaves, mac and other things will come later......

NEW

lots and lots of new

new house
new county
new puppy
new job
new class at school
new concept of living on my own
new situation with the boy friend
new stores to shop at

just lots and lots of new....
its all going pretty well so far....
but i gotta say....i think i really miss my kids....but maybe the new ones will fill the hole soon.

so excited...and yet so sad...

well...my current position is over in 2 weeks, sooner if i need to start another position.
it is ending because she quit her job, they want me to come to oregon with them...
they really like me, it has nothing to do with me...
but none the less it is ending...
no more time with these two will be sad, no more chances of evening babysitting in the future considering they will be in another state...
its sad to know i won't see them again...
they are awesome kids, who seem to really have bonded with me...
its sad thinknig about the other kids ive really bonded with two, but those ones i could see if i wanted, but the twin,s i really won't have the option....
so that is so so so sad...
but on the other hand....after some confusion and indecision...i found the PERFECT!!! house.
i got a home inspection on one house and right after went straight to see a second house for sale, not because the inspection went poorly, but just because...
and oh my!!! i walked in and it was perfect,
an amazing fireplace,
two giant trees in the backyard
a good sized back yard, already dived for a garden and dog,
a 2 car garage,
the third bedroom i want for resale,
a nice kitchen with a bar,
absolutely no work needed
a workable driveway
walls drywalled
and a decent pricetag...
so we made an offer, and in 6 hours it was accepted....and we are moving forward,
did an inspection there which went spectacular...
signed more and more and then some more papers......
and now just waiting for some final things to happen and then I get KEYS!!!!
that I am very excited about!!!

but how can I be excited and truely enjoy shopping for things for my house, and looking at the house, when all i can really think of is I can't pay for this, how will I pay my bills, where will my money come from, bye bye to savings acount AGAIN, i can't buy anything for my new house, i may not even be able to move into my new house....
so im trying to think positive and remember that God would not have provided this oppurtunity if he didn't also have a plan to provide something to make it work out. so i need ot trust and have fiath and just be patient and he will work out me finding a new job with the same pay and all that....but trust is not something that comes easily....and PATIENCE is a complete joke for me, so im having a bit of trouble, but doing my best to still just have fiath and enjoy the process of finding things and planning out my new house...

so im excited and sad at the same time....

one of those weeks...

it was just one of those weeks,
the kids were whiney,
they were restless from not being able to go outside,
we didn't leave the house 2 days because we had no car,
they were picky eaters,
not good nappers,
hard adjusting back from dad for 4 days
it was miserable hot outside,
i wasn't sleeping,
i was just drained after a very long weekend,
things with the house are not going well, or at least not moving forward,
my parents have been crazy this week,
jusst a long week where nothing seems to be working out how i wanted...
but now it is almost over...in 67 minutes to be exact...
i am very happy for it to be done...hoping for more fun and relaxation next week.

my weekend...

well...now that ive done some stuff for the kids, i think its time to tell you about my weekend which was GREAT!!! there are still more posts of what the little ones and I have been up to but for now...my weekend.

so this weekend, i really had no plans. but somehow I didn't do much sitting around this weekend...
it started right after work with my mom and I heading to the bank to situate my bank accounts which somehow got my name taken off of them, we also applied for a credit card...hope I don't get into to much trouble. then it was home where Taylor was and he all on his own said " so we are seatbelt shopping tomorrow right" i was very surprised, i had only mentioned it to him the weekend before and he has a reputation for not remembering ANYTHING. so when he brought it up I was super excited. he had even made a plan of more than just seatbelt shopping.
so we woke up semi early for a saturday morning and headed to cars and coffee which is a fun place for us to see cool cars and generally just chat and catch up since we don't always see each other often. then we headed to my grandparents and got breakfast on the way. while there we cleaned up the garage a bit while waiting to sell soem wheels. then after that it was off to pick a part...or 2 pick a parts...we wandered around the aisles of half torn apart cars and unfortunately only found one Z and no seatbelts were in it. so it ended up not working but we will go back and hopefully succeed in finding me seatbelts for my goal of making my own seat belt purse(with some help from a friend). then we headed home where we talked online(yes we are weird but he was upstairs and i was downstairs, hard to yell that far). then that night I went and watched two little boys, 6 and 7 years old. this is only the second time ive watched them but they are cool and really fun. they are both "all boy" which is what i totally love ,so it was really fun.then sunday morning I got up and watched the new PBR that was recorded and then started getting stuff crossed of my to-do list. I cleaned my car: got the junk out, vacumed the carpets, dried up as much water as i could, got the wood chips out of the back, checked and refilled all the fluids, and dusted off the dashboard. then i did some homework which needed to be finished. then i got lucky and got a free DVD shelf off criagslist so i set up a pickup time for that (and can I tell you how excited I am to see the shelf full and in my new house, i really like it). then i went on an adventure to go pick up a wii. I have wanted one for a while but have always second guessed whether or not I would actually use it...but I finally decided to make the plunge when I found one for pretty cheap and I told my self that if I do not use it in a month, then I can sell it for at least what I paid most likely more. so we will see what happens. then last night I picked up the dvd shelf, filled it up with the DVDs i have and then got everything ready for this week.
overall it was a good weekend, got all my to-do list done, got some cool new stuff, relaxed, got to hang out with my brother, and it was just a great weekend....

lately life has been really good. I enjoy school. I love my job, and im loving finding things for us to do. I enjoy my free time which gets filled up with reading, movies, rodeos, cars, friends, and a lot of fun lately, everything has been amazing with a certain someone ....and just life is good......now to get a house and it will officially be PERFECT!!

thats my rambling for the day...but i had to share my weekend because i really enjoyed it.

some ramblings...

today just seemed like a day that needed some of my random thoughts written down.
first of all, there is hope for a house, or so I am told. I am not sure that my hopes are up yet, but I have been told that there will be an ansrew for sure by the end of the week...if that happens it could be a good thing or they could say no, and it could not happen at all...but im secretly hoping for the best and hoping there is an answer and that the answer is yes.
my paretns saw the house, or at least the outside and they seemed to like it which many houses they dno't seem to care.
school is unforuntately looking like its not going to let me take classes anywhere else so its getting more expensive, but at least it will be done. and i do enjoy the classes so it will be okay.
apparently, adam is moving yet again. im not sure where yet, but he said his only option means he can't keep Bear, which would just be sad. another reason im hoping to hear on the house, maybe bear can come live with me. he took my puppy while he could, so i could return the favor.
things are overall good. i was sick last week, but feeling mostly better this week. the kids are good. not sick anymore, we went to the park every day last week which was awesome, because its not looking possible this week with it being so hot. a day to sensory time was mentioned so that should be fun. maybe a day int he pool. and working the first official five day week, well four and a half technically but we shall see how that goes. it should be fun, not to much different. hoping to set up a play date with a certain someone in the next week or two, but gotta talk to her and parents first.
i love the book called lifes little instruction book. Abbie enjoys pulling it out once in a while, so i end up reading it and it is just fun. i love all the little ideas it has, and the fact that it tells me crafstman tools are among the best is nice.
i have a new project i want to try out, i want to make my own seatbelt purse. with "GOOD" seat belts of course, so they need to be from a porsche or Z. but im hoping to make it to pick a partin the near future to get them. i mentioned a square dance to our pastor and he said he would tihnk about it, my guess is he has already forgotten, but maybe a little extra hope for next year?
henry has some new words which are interesting sometimes, he can say wow wow wubbzy which is funny and cute, he loves the itsy bitsy spider song the last few days, and he attempts the motions which is pretty cute.
still thinknig about a wii, wondering if i would do wii fit for a long period of time, or get bored and not....still want a nintendo, they are just fun and a random thing to have.
so for today, im hopeful on the house and not enjoying the heat. but its still a good day.

a little bit of everything

well...
the last few weeks have been crazy and interesting. and for the most part good
the twins grandma was here for 3 weeks, she was cool adn helped with them a lot
for the last 2 weeks there grandpa was here as well, he didn't help much but he was nice.
this past week there aunt, uncle and 2 little cousins were here...they were a little much.
everyone was nice, and we had some fun.
tuesday we went to the beach...henry just wanted to play on the slide, and abbie never wanted to leave the water. she LOVES the waves and the beach.
unfortunately...we had other fun plans for this week but the twins got sick so the plans got canceled. instead we watched way to much barney(their unfortunate favorite show) and just kinda hung out at home.
today everyone is gone, the kids are napping and begining to feel better and im all alone and its kinda quiet and boring.....
work has been good...thankfully haven't missed any more of it which is good. sent in the application for the preschool hoping to hear from them.
outside of work i have been entirely to busy as well...
we attempted to have a bon fire but as usual ended up running way late so by the time we got to the beach all the fire pits were taken, so we had a bon fire at my house instead....we made smores and just hung out then went to the door for a drink...it was a good night.
i went to disneyland with colby to see dumbo in the fire works show....and we got some ice cream to which was yummy...but unfrotuantely because of the wind i did not get to see dumbo....
sunday night i went to the door for an early funday and got to play a lot of pool which was awesome even though i wasn't having a good night, but i still beat taylor twice, once legitimately and once because he scratchedon the 8 ball. but either way it was fun.
we had my dads birthday dinner and fathers day....both of which went well...even fathers day...but lucas was there and he always distracts everyone.
hoping for some goodgarage sales tihs weekend and hoping even more for a ride on the quad since it finally has new tires.
life has been good...work is good, friends and family are good, school is good, my car is good.....its been a good and busy few weeks....and 4th of july is coming up!!!!!!

my weekend

well....my weekend started out not very good...
got off work friday and walked to my car to find my window had been broken..
a neighbor was out and said one of the kids next door had done it, but none of the kids who were outside would say who, and when they knocked on the door of the house the kid that answered said i don't know and i don't care. i tried calling the murrieta police department but shocker no one answered and i couldn't leave a message or get an operator so no luck with that..going to try again today.
then i went to meet the real esate agent and see another house...well she got there and we walked up to find no lock box and she couldn't get a hold of the agent so we wandered around the property a little but it was kinda a waste of time.
saturday went pretty well though....went to a good community garage sale and got a great deal on two black trunks that are in good shape and i love. didn't find anything else but that was okay. went and tried again to look at that house but yet again no luck, and we didn't end up signing any other offers either because there is drama with one of the houses so its out of the running at least for now.
sunday was the nursery, and was supposed to be dealing with my window. well no one could fix my window on a sunday so its getting done today. and then last night got to see adam and it was a good night with gummy bears and NCIS.
overall an okay weekend...just some drama....lucas's house flooded again, colby got drunk and stuck at a concert, my window was broken, and no luck with houses....

hoping for a good week this week and hopefully a new house option because that would be amazing!!!

oh my!!!

thats kind of how I feel lately.
I feel like saying oh my all the time...

im happy, im stressed, im angry....its horrible...
but....while i am stressed and angry about multiple tihngs that i should not be stressed or angry about...
i am happy about some things too..

im enjoying my job for the most part..
im really happy with a certain individual who simply makes me very happy..
im done with saddleback college...or i better be come OCTOBER
ashford classes are going well, and fun and easy, and my transcripts arrived so the latest i will graduate is next november which is just very exicting...

im happy that i am getting the oppurtunity to look at houses when im only 22
im happy that i have an oppurtunity to maybe get involved in a perschool
im happy that my car has not died yet
im happy that my brother and i seem to keep finding random times to talk :D
im happy that i get to talk to and hang out with some friends..

this week I have really been trying to be happy about the good things...
because all the moody crap and stress and anger simply has got to go...its pointless and stupid.

trying to be positive...

its coming togehter

i got a job I love
I applied to a school for my BA
I enrolled in a class and got books for that class
I put money in the bank
I stopped having interviews every night
I am looking for houses
my life is finally coming togehter!!

Im very happy,
enjoying my days with twins,
enjoying my nights with Adam and friends
enjoying my weekends at races
enjoying looking for houses (okay maybe not enjoying but liking the idea of a house)
getting school situated is nice...
sooner I start sooner its over.
spending evenings with friends and their kids,
taking history tests with my cousin,
planning some vacations,
saving some money,

LIFE IS GOOD!!!!

now what?

well, i finally did it
I got a job...

but now what?

what do i do with all my free time during naps?
what do i do with my day off on friday?
what do i do on the weekends?
what do i do with the money?
what do i do after work?

i have all this time it seems, which seems weird considering i am finally working like i want to.

I want a second job?
i am crazy i know but i do.
something a few nights a week and maybe one weekend a month or so.

I am going to save as much money as possible,
but that may be a little hard
because....
i need to catch up with movies
i NEED(ya right) to buy some new tools
I would like to do some fun things with friends and someone special
I should do a few fix it things to my car.

I spend lots of time playing with these 2 adorable little ones,
and im sure i will continue to spend time playing with lucas and 2 of my other favorite kids ever!!!

but what am i supposed to do during naps?
blogs?
facebook?
email?
homework?
I can do all of that and still have 45 minutes left and a whole second nap?

i want to look for houses but ive got 2 agents sending me listings so its just a matter of time until I find that perfect house for me.

so give me ideas of what i should do with my free time?
travel friendly crafts?
blogs to read?
books to read? ( i hate reading)
other random things to do.....


This week has been crazy. but i still think that as the week draws to a close on the final day at work that I have really found a great fit with this family and that just makes everything else okay.